If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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