paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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