Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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