does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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