does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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