I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize