I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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