I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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