Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
