i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize