I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got chris browned last night
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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