I puked a lego.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
