...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize