how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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