census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
