i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
