after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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