Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
