i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
