I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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