he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
