We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
