my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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