dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize