Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
