Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
