I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
