apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize