Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
