I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
