I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
