I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
