My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
