Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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