ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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