Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
