You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
