She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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