Kiss
Puke
My ATM looks so different sober.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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