Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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