My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
