It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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