i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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