I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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