i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
