I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
