Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
