We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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