No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
