just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
