I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
