i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
