I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize