I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
