um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize