I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
