someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
