someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
