I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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