So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
