u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
